I'm starting this blog back up again for a handful of reasons, but mostly because I feel like I have lost myself over the last couple of years, and part of me feels like maybe it’s possible to write myself back to a place of healing and forward momentum in my life.
Things have not panned out how I once thought they would. It feels like I have been stuck in Jell-O for the past couple of years, unable to progress or make strides in an external capacity, no matter how great my efforts are. The biggest stumbling block being that my career has taken a nosedive and honestly, I don’t know what to do anymore. I always envisioned myself as a career girly, someone who worked long hours, was always emailing or on the computer, someone who climbed the corporate ladder easily, and became an important part of an organization where I eventually make big decisions. Yet, the reality is quite the opposite. After losing a job (that I didn’t particularly care for) unexpectedly in April, I’m finding it tough to even get interviews for positions I am overqualified for.
I was hopeful in the Spring, spending my whole days tailoring cover letters and applying to jobs like crazy but it has just become more disheartening as Summers unfolded. Not a single interview, not even a phone interview! July rolled around and I was frustrated and fed up. I decided that instead of spending all day hunched over a computer trying to get people to see the value in me, maybe I should add value to my own life. I timeblocked my schedule to accommodate both professional and personal goals—I filled my time with learning to cook new recipes, and deep cleaning my space. I explored my neighbourhood with my dog, and read books that have been on my TBR list for ever.
Being productive has increased my will to live and sometimes improves my mood but mostly it leaves me feeling unsettled. I struggle with the idea of not achieving enough while knowing that any break between positions moves me further back from the life I envisioned for myself. Deciding to take some time to enjoy the nicest months of the year was not an easy decision, and I mean that sincerely, I try not to carry a lot of guilt for not being able to adequately contribute to our savings account—not having a steady income puts off our future, there is no other way around it.
My partner and I decided last year that we were going to start our family but I’m uncertain about whether I have the means to do so anymore. I feel as though I am falling behind in life and can’t shake the sense that I’m being punished for some reason unbeknownst to me. I thought I took all the right steps and had the right attitude but it seems like all my expectations have fallen apart.
Last week, I sat down and wrote what was on my heart for the first time in over a year and I realized it was what I was missing! I have been so focused on staying productive that I neglected the importance of reflection, processing, and creativity. A lot has happened this year and I haven’t given myself the chance to work through it. Writing is something that I used to turn to to get my truth out. I have always been a natural communicator, loving to express myself openly and often loudly. I find comfort in words and stories but it is within the quiet of my own journal’s pages where I find true salvation. And it’s been too long since I’ve given myself the freedom to write without any specific purpose or agenda.
This is the first time I’ve decided to publically post my writing. I've never been one to share myself openly online, especially since there are so many people out there already sharing so much of themselves. That feeling and my insecurities are something I have harboured for a long time and definitely is something I am looking to explore further later on. I wish the vastness of the internet fueled me instead of intimidating me. But despite that, I love everything about social media, and it feels like my presence online is necessary and it’s time for me to step out of the shadows and let myself be known.
I have decided that I am going to use this platform as the marker of change occurring in my life. Instead of focusing on the crappy parts, I am choosing to lean into what makes me feel good. I am ready to be seen and fully known. I deserve a platform and to build a community. I am no longer ashamed of who I am or what I have or haven’t done. I am giving myself the gift of grace. I have spent far too long denying my existence and holding myself back from the world and yet, have no reason to justify the unfair and frankly cruel punishment I’ve placed upon myself. I want to shout from the rooftops that I am here, whole, vibrant and eager to share my journey, my truths, and the inevitable transformation unfolding in my life with the world.
Coming out from it on the other side, it is ridiculous that we torture ourselves for years with fear and indecision when time and action are the simple cure to stagnation—everything else will follow. If there has been anything I’ve learned from all the hours clocked reading self-help and wellness books in this life of mine, it’s that you should just do it. Do the thing you can’t stop thinking about! It’s not going to be perfect, nothing ever is on the first shot but waiting probably won’t make it any better. I’ve always wanted a corner of the Internet all for myself. I’ve practically been writing this blog in my phone’s notes for years and I’ve finally come to a place of confidence and faith where it seems foolish to keep me all to myself.
So in saying all that, I'd like to formally welcome you to the little space I’ve carved out for myself on this big ol’ internet. This is essentially your virtual invitation to ride shotgun alongside me as I navigate my time on this planet. Unlike if you were actually riding shotgun in my car, I'd love to hear any comments or feedback you have, so please please please don't be shy! I have so much to explore and write about and I am both excited about finally having a place to put all my thoughts and feelings, and nervous about where this will all take me.
My hope is that the words I share here will not only offer you a fresh perspective on your own life but also inspire you to actively work toward becoming the best version of yourself. Great things are on the horizon. No matter what you’re currently going through, there is much to look forward to and even more to be grateful for.
Onward and upward!
With all my love,
Jen
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